Boundaries, communication, and how to deal with ‘Chadmin’. As we approach the first anniversary of our ground-breaking Family Leave report, we speak to Rachael Baker, Partner at Graphite Capital, about how to be the best version of yourself, both at home and at work. Plus, her top tips for Managing Partners.
With three boys aged 4, 6 and 9, Rachael Baker knows a thing or two about ‘The Juggle’ as it’s colloquially known, and now informally coaches other working mums in private equity about how to thrive in a high performance career after having children.
“I’ve done it three times. My first return from maternity leave was a complete car crash, it really was. The second time, better and the third time even better.” She smiles. “I feel I have learned a lot along the way.”
‘Chadmin’
There’s an acknowledgement these days that mothers tend to carry the so-called ‘emotional load’ of having children, something Rachael has christened, ‘Chadmin’ (Child Admin), and she says that often some self-reflection is required.
“There’s an awful lot of child admin that falls on the mother’s shoulders and, for a lot of working women I know, it is definitely high on the list of things that causes tension at home.
But, for me, I’ve accepted that I actually do want to bear a lot of this load. A lot of us women working in private equity, we’re high performing, we’re hyper organised by nature, we think two steps ahead and we often like to feel in control, which means on the one hand we’re just going to stay on top of it all because it means we can go to work and rest assured everything’s taken care of, but on the other hand, we aren’t helping the situation and can find ourselves drained that the mental load isn’t being shared.
I do find this situation crops up a lot when I’m coaching, and the thing I often say is you’ve got to first identify and acknowledge those behaviours within yourself that might be contributing. There is an element of acceptance. Then we can start working on how to make the necessary changes which sometimes involves ‘letting go’ and finding those specific tasks that your partner can be responsible for, as I did with my husband.
So, my husband knows every night he’s got to get the school bags packed….the kids snack boxes, waters, reading books etc….and even if he’s gone out, he has to come in and do that. And because I quite clearly delegated that, it takes away the tension. And that’s what I find a lot of women struggle with.
Boundaries
Another key strategy is establishing boundaries because when I’m with high-performing women who are probably three, four, five years into their careers, they’re struggling with their own self-care and they acknowledge that they’re not putting themselves first. A lot of things they used to love to do have gone out the window, they’re not getting their hair cut, they’re not going to a yoga class, they’re feeling like they have no time for themselves, that is a really common thing, I’ve been there.
And the key thing I ask when I’m talking to them is ‘what is it that you think you need that fills your battery back up?’ The answer is different for everyone. You’ve got to be realistic though, you can’t go off to a retreat every weekend, you’ve got kids and a job – but you’ve got to work out how you can fit in those small things.
I know I just need 30 minutes with a coffee on my own, once or twice a week, and it gives me this decompression. Obviously you’ve got your work and that has to be done, but, for example, a lot of us eat lunch at our desk, if you need fresh air, get out for a 20 minute walk at lunchtime, or make a commitment to call one friend a week. Some people feel they’ve lost touch with old friendships and having a conversation with a friend can really put things in perspective and lift you back up.
So I’m really clear now what I need. Every Saturday morning, I have a class at 0730. I get up on my own, my husband does breakfast because I’ve done it most other mornings, I have my morning, I go to my class, I come back with a coffee and I’m ready to be mum. It’s actually doing what I have seen a lot of men do really well – identifying and meeting their own needs – and that is NOT a criticism, it is a very healthy habit. My husband has always been good at this and it means he is a very balanced individual and brilliant role model for our boys.
You’re not a better person for allowing that to happen. You’re not a better mum, you’re not better in the workplace, you’re not a better wife.
It takes a village
For a period of time when my children were little, we had support from two individuals, we never had a full time nanny but we had two individuals who worked with us at various times throughout the week. I’m a big believer that it takes a village to raise a family and I don’t just think that takes the pressure off the working parents but it also brought different perspectives into the household. We had these two incredible women supporting us, both of whom were mothers themselves, and so they brought this really nurturing nature into the household and they also knew how to run a home and that’s fundamental as a working parent.
I think childcare is a really personal decision though. I know individuals that go for full time nursery but then when the children are little and they’re poorly and you don’t have help at home, it’s really tough.
First of all, you’ve got to have the conversation with your partner, ‘who’s job is going to give today?’, because we both have careers. Then, once you’ve made that decision, you’ve got to work out how best to land that message with work, and that isn’t always easy, especially if your manager or team do not have children or have partners who are full time parents, and so they struggle to comprehend that juggle, that dynamic.
It really does depend on where you are in your career. The confidence I have now, and actually because of Covid, that ability, the acceptance that you can join a meeting by Teams is light years ahead of when I first returned from maternity leave nine years ago.
Communication and support at work
No matter how organised you are at home, no matter how brilliant your child support, no matter how supportive your husband, if your organisation, if your manager or your team do not get it, if there isn’t a culture that supports working parents, that supports differences and flexibility, that is what creates the situations where women feel they cannot do it. That is the fundamental thing that influences it.
It is imperative before you go off on maternity leave that you are really having those conversations with your manager and team about how you want to return to work.
With my first maternity leave, I didn’t put much thought into how I wanted to come back, what my time management looked like, I just thought I’m going to fly back, full speed ahead, prove myself, and then within six months, good god, it all felt too much.
So I advise women to really think about it and communicate: ‘This is how long I think I’m going off for, this is what I’m going to remain involved with while I’m away and when I come back, this is what I want to happen, this is how I want my career to continue developing’. Thinking through all of this before you go on leave and being honest with yourself is the hardest part, and when I find women need support the most.
The narrative might evolve as you’re on maternity leave, but before you get back, have a coffee with your manager, because in most cases, you’ve got to upward manage them, you’ve got to forward think, to raise the conversation.
But I always emphasise, it is two ways – you’ve got to be flexible, Graphite enabled me to be a working parent but in so many ways I give so much to them, I’m very flexible and accept that my working rhythm has to also meet their needs.
You’ve got to be flexible, Graphite enabled me to be a working parent but in so many ways I give so much to them, I’m very flexible and accept that my working rhythm has to also meet their needs.
Top tips for Managing Partners
The first one is to make sure that your parental leave policy is as forward thinking as possible or, at the very least, in line with competition. Especially in terms of bonus payments, partnership scheme payments, don’t be pro-rating bonuses, it just leaves a sour taste for that parent.
Secondly, Managing Partners and team managers need to acknowledge that they have a key role to play whenever a parent is going off on leave and is returning, and by that I mean making sure that there’s been a conversation with the individual about how they want to come back, what they want to be involved with, ensuring that the team that individual is coming back to is ready for them to come back and, most importantly, that a seat is wide open for them.
What I hear more than anything from returning mothers is this day one feeling of ‘oh you’re back, what do we do with you?’ and you spend the first few weeks when you’re at your most vulnerable not feeling like you’re part of something, you feel like you’re on the side line, and no-one wants to feel like that. The Managing Partner has to think through that – how do we manage their return, so they feel supported but also so they add value from day one?
The other key thing for any Managing Partners to be aware of is you’ve got to try and generate a culture that trusts parents to get their job done. You hire incredibly talented and ambitious individuals, a lot of whom already have established careers and track records before they become parents. They’ve probably done several deals, they’re experienced. So, you’ve got to try and generate a culture that trusts them to get their job done and supports them to do that job as it fits them as a parent. It’s high performance of course, but it’s got to feel flexible.
Finding equilibrium
When you first come back, you’re trying to be everything to everyone and it took me a while to work out what equilibrium looked like for me, so I didn’t feel I was failing at three things at once, being a mother, being a wife and working.
For me, I just need to see my children once a day, morning or evening. I want them to know that mummy is there if they need me. I don’t need to be at the school gate every day or be on the sideline of the sports field, but it took me a while to realise that.
And once I’d worked that out, if I’m in an organisation that allows me to be who I want to be at home, I turn up to work a much better person. I’m not feeling guilt, I’m not conflicted, and that’s the way round it has to be because my work is my work, I’m expected to perform.
So I can come to work and be the best of me because I’m allowed to be the mother I want to be. But the mother I want to be, might be very different from someone else.”
I am passionate about helping other working women understand what equilibrium might look like for them, individually, and to support them in taking the right steps towards this.
ENDS
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Rachael joined Graphite Capital in 2009 where she is now responsible for leading the origination and execution of investment opportunities across the business services sector and supporting these businesses to accelerate growth. Prior to this she was an Investment Associate at Cognetas.
She started her career at L.E.K. Consulting, in London and then in Sydney, where she worked on private equity due diligence, corporate M&A and post-transactional strategy implementation across a wide range of sectors and geographies. Rachael holds a first class degree in History and French from the University of Durham.